Oh dear, I'm Mr Rusty

Good Lord what happened there?

One minute the sun was out, the new peg bag was in full operation and there was everything to live for. The next thing I know it's three months later and I've fallen off the bloggercoaster. A right poor show and that's a fact so apologies all round.

Previously at Bird Towers, I was still recovering from my ordeal at Luton Airport where the lure of a cheap flight to Germany has resulted in me going on holiday with the cast of Shameless. Yikes. Actually, I'm blaming the whole escapade for my eversoquietness over the rest of the summer. I think it was the trauma of being stuck on an aeroplane with a stewardess called Chelsea who was the airline equivalent of Stacey out of X Factor. Her complete bewilderment at how to put on a life vest didn't bode well for a potential emergency. I found that quite offputting, especially as the plane was making very odd noises as if it wanted to go to the toilet.

Speaking of which, there was at least the memorable moment when Chelsea announced over the tannoy that as someone hadn't wanted ketchup there was a spare sachet going if anyone who'd ordered the hamburger was still well enough to want one. Strangely, nobody did, mainly because they all looked too ill to press the 'yes please' button.

I really wish I'd made that last bit up. Believe me I haven't.

The whole experience was summed up when I realised I'd left a book on the plane on the way home. As I'd 'safely' put a Christening card inside it which said I'd renounced the devil and would help my new god daughter be a lovely person I really wanted to find it. I phoned the airline's Lost Property Lady to see if they had it and, after she'd stopped laughing, the lady explained that my book would almost certainly have been thrown away.

"You see, " she said - not unkindly. "Books are rubbish."

Good to be clear there. Put that in your pipe Charles Dickens.

Since then - and of course after a couple of weeks in a dark room - I've been working (boo!), gone on a diet (double boo!) and was forced into some emergency weeding in the garden (total boo plus chiz!). Not much to show for the whole summer I admit. The diet at least, has gone OK, but with the embarrassing side effect of me randomly shouting "Good God, four pounds for a punnet of blueberries - have you all gone insane?" in the middle of Sainsburys. If my Premium Bonds come up before Christmas I'm going to spend the winnings on a bag of fruit from Waitrose.

So anyway, major apologies for the lull from here and it's jolly good to be back. With a full run of reality TV planned for the rest of the year I'm not going to leave the house until January.

And if I manage the next few weeks without mentioning 'Jedward' I'll be absolutely astonished.

Doh! I've blown it already!